Did you know that 93% of communication is nonverbal?* A large percentage of that nonverbal communication comes through facial and tone of voice cues. What is surprising, however, is just how different the level of ability is in interpreting these nonverbal cues are when comparing adults and adolescents. Further, it probably explains a significant amount of the misunderstanding that can and does happen between adolescents and their parents.
At this point, it’s probably clear that I am a fan of Dr. Jeremy Clark and Jerusha Clark’s book, “Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent”. I blogged a review about it here, and then a follow up post on some of the neurobiology research they were exploring here. In their chapter entitled, “Why are you looking at me like that?,” they explore this topic of nonverbal cues and what the latest research is showing us about it.
Citing research from Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd, they pointed out that while adults have a 90-100% success rate in interpreting the emotions and tone behind facial expressions and other nonverbal cues, adolescents only decipher them correctly about 50% of the time (Kindle location 1389). Essentially, what the research shows is that adults interpret these cues by using the part of their brain where decision making and executive functions happen (the prefrontal cortex), while adolescents use the region of the brain where emotions are the dominating factor (the limbic system).
Where this is helpful for parents is in thinking through how we communicate with our adolescents. We cannot just assume they recognize the emotions or intent behind our words; 93% of communication is nonverbal, and teens misinterpret those cues half the time, which means they genuinely misunderstand us potentially almost half the time. We can’t change that; it’s biology. Their brains do not finish developing until around age 25. Instead, the Clarks recommend naming our emotions calmly. Let them know when you’re confused, worried, upset, etc., don’t just assume they know what you’re feeling when other adults would understand.
All that to say, if you’re a parent of kids of any age, or someone that works with young people. Get the book. It’s fascinating!
*All percentages and information in this post are drawn from the Clark’s book.
I recently wrote a review of Dr. Jeremy Clark and Jerusha Clark’s book, “Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent”; you can read it here. One of the things they wrote about in the book I found particularly fascinating and find myself continuing to think about.
Essentially, they explored research by neurobiologists regarding brain chemistry, relationships, and a predictable ninety second pattern to emotions. Basically, any emotion that we feel generally will rise and fall in the space of a minute and a half “if proverbial fuel isn’t added to the fire” (Kindle location 1412). What this means is that if we have a surge of joy, it will generally settle within ninety seconds, and if we have a surge of anger, it will generally calm in ninety seconds. However, what often times happens is that we have a surge of anger, fire off a retort of some sort, triggering the same surge of anger in the recipient, who reacts in kind and the cycle continues to escalate with neither side taking the time to let their emotions settle so they can approach the disagreement in a calmer fashion.
As authors of a book for parents, their advice was simple; when parents face a situation where they are angry with their adolescent … step away for two minutes, gather their thoughts, and return to the conversation when their emotions have settled. They further suggested that over time, modeling this approach to conflict would translate to parent’s children learning to adopt it as well.
I’ve always heard advice to “count to ten,” or “take a deep breath.” It’s always made sense, but something about the neurobiology of this really intrigues me. I like that they’ve actually mapped it out, it’s a measurable, predictable cycle. The way I’m wired finds that very appealing; it’s certainly something I want to get better at doing – not just with my children, but in all relationships.
I’m four episodes in to the first season of the newest Star Trek show … and I’m really, really enjoying it. I’m going to keep this spoiler-free, so it will probably be somewhat short!
The production value is on par with the recent movies; the special effects, the costumes, the work they put in to making the show look good is incredible. The look and feel of the show is the best any Trek show has ever achieved and definitely equal or better than anything else I’ve seen on TV.
As far as the characters go, they’re growing on me fast. Initially it was a little strange seeing a crew I knew nothing about and had no emotional connection to, but that by the end of the two part premiere, I was hooked and curious to see where they would go with them. Over the course of the first four episodes they have done a great job of planting a lot of seeds and mysteries that I am curious to see play out in the seasons to come.
I will say that I am still getting used to the idea that the lead character is not the captain … but I think it’s a strong idea. The franchise has been around for more than fifty years; they have to play with the format to find new ways to approach Star Trek story telling.
Regarding the Discovery itself, I love the look of the ship more than I expected to. It’s actually a throwback to discarded design ideas developed in the 70’s when they were first thinking of bringing back Star Trek (see the image below for an example). At first I thought that was a weird decision, but the end result does a great job of blending that design style with current ideas.
My one complaint, and perhaps my nerdiest comment … I wish the show was set in the Kelvin Universe, not the Prime Universe. That would easily explain the design similarities to the new movies, the technological advances (in response to Nero’s arrival two decades before). It would also open the door for them to go anywhere with the story telling with no concern about contradicting the more than 700 episodes of Star Trek already out there – their only concern would be staying in line with (currently) three movies. However, I get it; the movie arm and the television arm of Star Trek are separate entities, and those separate companies (Paramount and CBS, respectively) most likely have some sort of legal concerns about overlapping with one another. But it would make continuity a far simpler affair.
That aside, I’m really enjoying the show and am excited to see where it goes!
I really, really like this book. It’s a must read for parents of teens, tweens, and those that work with them. Dr. Jeremy Clark and Jerusha Clark’s book, “Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent” is a strong exploration of the biological, psychological and spiritual changes and developments happening in adolescents. What makes this book stand out from others I have read like it is how the Clark’s have used some of the latest in brain development research help shape and inform their approach to understanding teenagers. Adolescence triggers explosive amounts of neurological development, a process that does not finish until the mid-twenties, and actually explains much of the conflict and misunderstanding between parents and their teens.
Their approach is simple; over the course of 26 chapters, the Clark’s tackle a wide variety of adolescent and parent issues, from emotions, to sex, to blame, selfishness, friends, food and more. With each topic they introduce the issue, then follow a pattern; Bio 101 is where they tackle exactly how adolescent brain development connects to the topic at hand, Psych 101 address the psychological aspects of the issue as well as how to approach it effectively with your teen, and finally, Faith 101 is where they give advice on how to point the teen (and parents) to Christ in this area. At the end of each chapter, they give a practical challenge on how to live out their advice in your home today.
The book is strong. It’s clear they have done their homework in researching the topics, and their years of experience counseling, as well as parenting their own teens, come through loud and clear through the stories and illustrations they share. As a parent of a fifteen and a thirteen year old boy, I found this book incredibly enlightening. As I understand more and more the psychological and physical development going on under the surface, it makes it far more attainable to understand what is going on with my kids and the teens I work with as a youth pastor, as well as help give me the ability to be more patient and confident in how I approach them.
I already said it at the beginning; this is a must read for parents and those interacting with adolescents. It is a strong resource, covering a wide range of adolescent topics – making it something that can be turned to as different issues and situations arise. It’s available as a book, digital book and audio book, so it’s very accessible. Check it out!
Thom Rainer’s “Who Moved My Pulpit?” is a great book for pastors and church members alike. Rainer has built a reputation for knowing how churches move, the latest trends, for solid research and great leadership advice. In this book he tackles the question of how pastors can lead change in their churches, giving an eight stage model for approaching and leading change effectively.
The title of the book comes from an actual story; a pastor once changed the pulpit without giving anyone a heads up … resulting in massive controversy and ultimately taking two years to rebuild ministry momentum after the conflict. I’ll be honest, stories like that are frustrating to read; a part of me is shocked at the things that can become sources of conflict, but at the same time, Rainer does an effective job of using such stories to give extreme examples of how poorly implemented change can incredibly disrupt a church’s ability to ministry.
He describes the different types of church members and how to most effectively guide them through change, how to build a coalition of support, gives guidance on the pace of how change should work, coaches on how to communicate to the church as a whole and ultimately how to implement the change.
Ultimately, Rainer is a change advocate. He writes that “nine out of ten churches in North America are losing ground in the communities in which they are located. They are declining or growing more slowly than their respective communities” (Kindle location 366). He attributes that decline in part to many churches’ inability change with the culture, a result of a far too often inward focus instead of an outward focus.
It’s a great book. Over the last couple years I’ve become a big fan of Rainer’s work. It’s small, so it’s a fast read. It’s definitely a great book for pastors and their leadership to read together as they think through how to lead their churches. Towards that end, he includes discussion questions at the end of each chapter that can be used either by the individual reader to diagnose his/her church, or for the leadership team as they process the information together.
Francis and Lisa Chan’s book, “You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity,” is a departure from most marriage books out there. The underlying message throughout the book is simply this; the best way to improve your marriage is not by focusing on your marriage, but by focusing on your Christian faith. In other words, the natural fruit of two people pursuing God as the Bible calls them to is a united, healthy marriage. In their words, “unity is the natural result of two people following one Spirit in a life devoted to the mission.” (Kindle location 1242)
I really like the book; I’ve read quite a few marriage books over the years. Most give traditional advice on building better practices, communication, ways to strengthen the relationship, usually with some side comments on the importance of pursuing God – but generally not as the core message of the book. To me, this is where the Chans have met a real need in the church with their book. They write, “Our marriage problems are not really marriage problems. They are heart problems. They are God problems. Our lack of intimacy with God causes a void that we try to fill with the frailest of substitutes. Like wealth or pleasure. Like fame or respect. Like people. Like marriage.” (Kindle location 227)
Having said that, they do tackle some practical relationship areas; learning to communicate and fight well, giving a message of hope, advice on parenting together, and a call to really make the marriage count. One of their challenges is rooted in the passages that describe the church’s relationship with Christ as a marriage; that “we are called to paint such an attractive picture of marriage that it causes people to long for the coming marriage with Jesus.” (Kindle location 566)
I thought it was well written; if you’re familiar with Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love,” it almost felt like this is Crazy Love for Marriage. His (and his wife’s) passion for calling people to an all-in pursuit of Christ comes through loud and clear in all of his writings. It’s a shorter book, an easy read, and comes with questions at the end of each of the seven chapters for couples to discuss together. It’s definitely worth checking out for those who are married or for those headed to marriage.
The other week I finished teaching through the book of Lamentations in our Sunday morning student hour. It was a part of our larger, seven year teaching plan that includes walking students through every book of the Bible. It is a fascinating book, one I have not been able to stop thinking about. Essentially, if you’re not familiar with it, it is five poetic laments written and/or collected by the prophet Jeremiah, which the Israelite people would gather each year to read out loud together as they processed their grief from having been utterly defeated by the Babylonians. They had lost their independence, their capital had been destroyed, and perhaps the most devastating to their identify, the temple had been reduced to rubble. Over the course of three weeks we explored three significant themes that are throughout the poetry of Lamentations; God’s judgement, God’s compassion, and God’s sovereignty. What is particularly powerful about Lamentations to me is that it does not wrap up with a happy ending; they are still just as ruined at the end of it as they are in the beginning. The writer(s) are brutally honest with their pain, their loss, their suffering and their grief. And its final words – recited together as a community annually – ends with the question of whether or not God will help them or has He completely rejected them.
It’s powerful because it puts into words what so many of us feel during our times of suffering but are often times afraid to speak. Lamentations gives us permission to take all of our pain and suffering in its fullness and bring it out into the open to God. It gives us words to our heartbreak. Ultimately, it is a powerful lesson on how to grieve, something that I think our culture does not do well at. We tend to bottle things in, to celebrate those who are able to get back to normality quickly with comments like, “Wow, he’s handling it really well,” when in reality, that burying of pain is the opposite of handling it well.
If you want, you can find the audio to all three weeks on our iTunes podcast feed, or on our podcast website.